Comedy: Black Spartacus

Black Spartacus

 

 

Slavery in the age of Social Media

  

The Historical Context for Movie Treatment:
The 14th Amendment, the Recent Supreme Court Ruling and Today’s Zeitgeist.

The Fourteenth Amendment (Amendment XIV) to the United States Constitution was adopted on July 9, 1868, as one of the Reconstruction Amendments. Often considered as one of the most consequential amendments, it addresses citizenship rights and equal protection under the law and was proposed in response to issues related to former slaves following the American Civil War. The amendment was bitterly contested, particularly by the states of the defeated Confederacy, which were forced to ratify it in order to regain representation in Congress. The amendment, particularly its first section, is one of the most litigated parts of the Constitution, forming the basis for landmark Supreme Court decisions such as Brown v. Board of Education (1954) regarding racial segregation, Roe v. Wade (1973) regarding abortion (overturned in 2022), Bush v. Gore (2000) regarding the 2000 presidential election, and Obergefell v. Hodges (2015) regarding same-sex marriage. The amendment limits the actions of all state and local officials, and also those acting on bealf of such officials.
 

The amendment's first section includes several clauses: the Citizenship Clause, Privileges or Immunities Clause, Due Process Clause, and Equal Protection Clause. The Citizenship Clause provides a broad definition of citizenship, nullifying the Supreme Court's decision in Dred Scott v. Sandford (1857), which had held that Americans descended from African slaves could not be citizens of the United States.

 

Movie treatment for:
“Black Spartacus“

 

For those unfamiliar with the Real Spartacus

 

Structure:

 

 

Act I

 
At the opening we meet three of the six, conservative members of a totally fictional Supreme Court. They are feeling very comfortable, at a private get together at one of their homes. They are all drinking beer. Empty beer cans are stacking up. They start speaking rudely and commenting on how much they each dislike the only black conservative member. “And, what’s up with his not asking questions when court’s in session?” says one. “You mean while they’re recording”. Retorts the other. “It’s his haughtiness!” Chimes in the third between beer belches. “Let’s face it, his “High-Tech Lynching” remark got him the Senate’s approval! Angrily adds the first. As they get drunker, they repeat to one another how “The majority of the signers of the Declaration of Independence and how nearly half of the delegates to the Constitutional Convention owned slaves”. They note that “Four of the first five presidents of the United States were slave owners“.

Very drunk now, they unanimously decide to repeal the 14th amendment on the basis that slavery was never prohibited in the original constitution and evilly conspire to make the institution of slavery technically legal again.

This expectedly creates a national outrage by the whole spectrum of Americans. There’s the newly formed “Enforce the Law” White supremacist Organization, on the right, and “Replace this Court” on the left. Both groups are demonstrating at angry rallies all across the country.

But faced with no clear path forward, the current Liberal Administration is left no choice, but deciding on how to go about implementing this far reaching, totally insane court ruling.

How do you assign particular Black people as slaves to actually belong to other particular white people? The president, a well known liberal, is totally aghast at the whole ruling, however he’s backed into a corner by an irrationally divided Congress demanding action. At the same time, they’re supported by a reactionary Supreme Court.

The President with his assistants come up with a strategy of procrastinating with a focus on “minimizing harm” while buying time. So, they will implement the “Big Stall” Strategy. The administration will simply announce; “We will begin implementing a single individual pilot program. Then, and only then will we conduct additional multiple studies, before any laws can eventually be proposed”. And so the President and his associates came up with the idea of a lottery. Using every adult’s Social Security number. And they decided to start with only people from the same geographic area to minimize any “family Disruption “ and to reduce any anticipated human suffering. And so they used a random lottery process to pick only two people in the entire United States. One black one white.

The first main character we meet is Spartacus Johnson. He is a slight 42 year old, slightly frenetic, self made, highly urban, LA  African-American. Born and raised in Compton. Very cynical, while at the same time, he’s stubbornly trying not get jaded like most of his friends. Still looking for life’s silver lining.  He works as a used car salesman in Compton California. We see him at his “mom and pop” car lot excessively strewn with those wiggly blowup tube men. He is bargaining with Mexican customers in a comical “Spanglish” over the value of a dubious vehicle. “ Créeme, compadre, No es! No es lemon, Dude this car is cherry, una cereza, una cereza muy grande!” We meet his family, a wife who works with him. Always admonishing him, at work and at home. He also has two teenage kids that are always asking for money. At this moment He’s at home, watching on the television the President discussing the Supreme Court decision permitting slavery. “If it will take only one unfortunate, innocent American to find themselves enslaved as a result of this heinous decision, we will all have to eventually pay the consequences” That’s when he announces, that the very the first slave will be distributed by a lottery. Spartacus reflexively starts taking his bags out of the closet with his golf clubs while simultaneously searching Google, to book the cheapest flight for Liberia.
 

The next character we meet is Thompson, or Tom, (born Hershel), Edelstein. Tom is is trim with a slight belly. He is 59 years old, totally jaded and angry at aging, He’s a highly cynical, LA film and TV producer. Had minor economic hits, but never achieved the coveted admiration of his peers. It’s beginning to become a tiring effort just to keep up with his LA clique. He is constantly scheming, very New Yorker living in the Hollywood Hills,

At this moment in time, he’s been fixated on maximizing business deductions while preparing, again for an anticipated IRS audit. He’s in his kitchen, listening halfheartedly to the same news show as Spartacus. At the same time gently admonishing his Mexican maid while also watching the Mexican landscaper attempting to clean up around pool.

“Remember Señora to give me all of the receipts. All household expenses and now very important, including your bus fare and your uniform costs. As I explained, I closed my muy expensive Wilshire Boulevard office. Everybody meets now either Zoom or at lunch. No one wants to waste time driving around LA for an office meeting anymore. This home is now “mi oficina”’ también. That means, a substantial portion of my household expenses are now legitimate business write offs.” “You know Taxes! Los impuestos! Entiendes?” “Sí señor.” Answers the maid. Tom continues “look at Manuel out there, why is a man that age still working as a landscaper? I feel guilty even hiring him.” “Oh no, Señor, he is supporting his whole family in Mexico. He loves this job.” Growing increasingly disgusted after watching the Supreme Court announcement, he impulsively steps outside and starts talking like a second grade teacher in Pigeon Spanish with the Mexican landscaper. “Manuel I don’t want to remind you again that I need all the receipts, all the receipts. How do you say that? Recetas?” “Recibos, Patrón, recibos”. Answers the landscaper. “Nevertheless, I found several “recibos” on the garage floor yesterday. Dame todos. Entiendes? No quiero hablar de eso again. Are we claro?” Tom’s pitch and tone had risen considerably.
 

His next door neighbor, Desiree O’Connor, is 46 years old and a successful black standup comedian. Married and divorced but still childless. She has seen it all. Cynicism mixed with a humanity, tempered by an almost youthful enthusiasm contained within her very modern feminine bravado. Who is at the moment sitting on a lounge chair at her pool and hears Tom admonishing his landscaper, She gets up on a tall ladder to look over the high fence, to reprimand Tom on his treatment of his aged landscaper. “Why don’t you just hire an accountant already, you cheap ass motherfucker!” 

Next scene, We’re back at Spartacus‘s house, the front doorbell rings and he goes to answer it holding his golf clubs. He opens the door and sees two US Marshals. One is holding a clipboard the other holding shackles and leg irons, behind them, is a fully armed swat team, members pointing their rifles directly at him. One of the Marshall coldly speaks “As a result of the Supreme Court’s mandated slavery revival lottery system you have been chosen”. Spartacus drops his golf clubs.
The scene closes.

Next, the doorbell rings at Thompson Edelstein‘s mansion and his Mexican maid answers the door. She gasps as she sees two large towering, US Marshalls with a shackled Spartacus and behind them an entire swat team. She says “Senor Edelstein, I hope they’re here for you.” Tom comes to the door. “What the fuck? Are you sure you have the right address? My maid has papers. Oh! Is this that “Me Too” thing? That girl, er, women was definitely over 21. “

One of the US Marshalls says “Mr. Edelstein, by the powers vested in me by the US government, you have, here by, been officially assigned your own personal slave, please sign here.” Tom replies, “what are you guys insane, I have all the domestic help I need. This is crazy! And you’re crazy too! Take him away, assign him to someone else”. He’s about to close the door, stops, remembers his fixation, turns and asks, “Eh, excuse me Marshal, What exactly are the IRS ramifications of this gift from the government? Is it like those Covid stimulus checks? What’s his monetary value? Do I have to report this as income? Can I use him as a deduction?“

“No expense! Nothing at all, he’s your slave. You can keep him or even sell him.” “ You are required however, by law to provide adequate housing and sufficient sustenance. Understand?” To which Tom, trying nervously to make a joke, replies, “Oh yeah, Can I also trade him in for a more shapely, newer model?” No body laughs. Everybody starts talking over everybody, else including Tom, Spartacus and the US marshalls.

Finally, The din dies down, The US Marshall turns to Tom and says “Look, Mr Edelstein, why don’t you look at him as a temporary house guest. Obviously our President is trying to calm this calamitous response to this surprise court ruling. I personally, can only assume he is hoping to minimize the effect of this abominable decision”. “Why don’t you just accept this first “official slave” as a houseguest, for now? I’m sure all this will work its way through the courts very shortly.” Marshall leans in and whispers to Tom. “I’m sure you’re a patriot and wouldn’t want to appear as an obstructionist? Do you know what I mean?” The US marshall points to all the international media now camped on Tom‘s front yard. Behind them is a small multitude of “Stop the Stall” demonstrators angrily waving Confederate flags, Arguing loudly with anti-slavery protesters on the other side of a stern police cordon.

Tom, who is neurotically afraid of another IRS audit, is desperate to not even appear like someone trying to stand in the way of a lawful governmental order, reluctantly decides to accept Spartacus. He mutters something under his breath, about having to get his lawyer on this ASAP.

While The US Marshall is having Tom fill out several forms on his clipboard, he hands him a shiny new key, and offhandedly suggests to him that “maybe you should keep the leg shackles on Spartacus for a while until he gets used to his new home”. “Also, so very important”, he adds, “we let him keep his cell phone, otherwise we were afraid he might stress out and have some sort of nervous breakdown”. The Marshall winks Incredulously at Tom.

Plot Point 1

As the Marshall is leaving, Spartacus turns to him and asks, “Is that it? I have to be his slave for life? There’s no way out?”
To which the US Marshall answers, “Of course there is, there’s always manumission”. “Man you what?” Asked Spartacus. “A slave could always buy back his freedom. In fact it happened quite often, manny freedmen became quite successful, Google Frederick Douglass.” Answers the US Marshall as he turns away. Quickly Spartacus grabs his sleeve and asks “How much? How much for my freedom?” The US Marshall, a little befuddled answers “I don’t know, we haven’t figured that out yet. I’ll have to get back to you on that. I’m sure it’ll be at least in the six figures amount.” “What?” replies Spartacus, “A million dollars? Why so much?” “Slaves were always very expensive, George Washington himself had 1,200 slaves and it made him the wealthiest man in America. Here’s my card. Let’s keep in touch”. Says the US Marshall, and he turns and walks away.

The door closes and both men are left alone, standing in the foyer. Tom turns to Spartacus, and hands him the leg irons key. “Here man, take those awful things off! Please! Before they scuff up my marble floors“ he pleads. Tom continues, “Hey man, I’m as unhappy about this thing as you are you are. However, I’d rather be water boarded then have another audit. The government seems to know how to do both of those skills very well.”

Both men find themselves in a ridiculous situation. Tom tries to make small talk. “So what do you do for a living?” Tom asks. “My wife and I have a used car lot in Compton”. Spartacus replies proudly. “A Used car salesman, huh? I bet you’re a fierce negotiator.” Tom comments trying to be nice. He continues.
“This whole situation is screwed up! You heard the Marshall. All America’s counting on us to make this whole slavery thing look ridiculous so they can get the votes to override it. Don’t you see? We’re the Patsies! Do you think this whole thing is a set up? I know they really want me. But, what did you do?
Spartacus is now trying to figure out what or even if he did anything wrong. “Hey man, I’m black, The Man doesn’t have to invent stuff to blame shit on us.”
“ I was already preparing to book a flight to Liberia.” He answers defensively. Tom, now realizing the greater ramifications, slaps his forehead.
“The Marshall said I’m responsible for food and board. Does that include medical and dental? Shit this is gonna cost money.”
“ I already have a housekeeper and Landscaper, you’ll be on vacation.”

Then an idea comes to his head. “ I wonder if I could use you as a deduction?” Tom is starting to get excited. He becomes more animated. “I might as well take advantage of the situation. What kind of skills do you have other than negotiating?”
Spartacus thinks. And answers tentatively. “ I have some computer skills. I know “Word” and I use “Excel” continuously for my car inventory.”

Tom has a big grin. “Great!” Tom exclaims. “My whole business is now practically all zoom meetings, lunches and Excel spreadsheets. Why don’t I make you my new Personal Assistant.? My last PA got $39K and medical. Of course, I’ll be able to deduct for Room and Board.” Tom is now becoming almost giddy, as he mentally calculates his positive cash flow. “I’ll even throw in a Family Medical Plan. That’s worth additional $12 K a year. Tom is now fully engaged with this idea.
“To tell you the truth, I’m getting really tired of working alone. I would enjoy having somebody else around with good negotiating skills to bounce off of.”

He’s talking like a man who just closed a deal. “I’ll print out a 1099 form for you to sign in the morning. Listen, one other thing”. Tom puts his hand on Spartacus’ shoulder. “Please, just make sure you keep all your receipts. I’m always expecting an IRS audit.

Tom, sensing Spartacus’s reluctance, tries to be upbeat “come on man, I’m sure you’ll enjoy staying in the guest house out by the pool! My home office is on the opposite end. My Ritz/Carlton bathrobe is hanging in there. Please consider it yours. It’s very plush. You’ll like lounging around the pool in it.” Come on, I’ll show you the guest-room.” Sensing Spartacus’s dilemma, Tom tries to be upbeat “Feel free to chose any wine from the rack.”

Spartacus is sitting in Tom’s well appointed lanai guest house, dressed in Tom’s white robe. Glass of wine in his hand. He’s talking with his wife by face time. “It’s called Manumission. A slave can buy back his freedom. Google it. It’s practically a done deal Baby! I’ll be outta here in no time.”

“And how exactly do you plan on coming up with all that money?” asks his wife. “Baby, my new Twitter account, #black_man_enslaved_in_America” is going viral. My new Facebook page “Enslaved” is growing like crazy! I already have 6 million followers in less then a week. I’m in the process of starting a “Free Spartacus” Go Fund me page.”

“However the best idea yet! This place is crawling with all of Edelstein’s movie producer friends. My TickTock videos are among the most viewed. All this notoriety and outpouring of sympathy has gotta to be worth millions. All I have to do is write a short movie treatment of our life story. I’ll be able to shop it around practically the whole Hollywood industry, right here, without needing an obnoxious agent or even leaving the house. I’ll put our whole family in it, we won’t just be rich Baby, we’ll also be famous!” “Didn’t I always promise you, I’ll get us out of Compton someday. Who knows? This could be the best thing that ever happened to us. Meanwhile, listen to this. Edelstein has hired me as his new personal assistant. I’m pretty sure it’s one of his “business deduction write off schemes”. But, hell, he’s including a family medical plan with it. I can have my salary deposited directly into your account. You can use that money to pay for your Uncle Joe to help you at car lot. So, please Baby, just hang tight. Every Black person in America, is counting on us. Our kids are counting on us, to show the world how insane this whole thing is. I’m sure our slavery nightmare will be over soon enough”.

Act II

The next morning, Spartacus awakens to bright sunshine streaming in through the floor to ceiling Lanai windows. He walks out to the pool, and sees Tom having breakfast on the patio. Tom motion’s him over. He affectionately moves the chair for him to sit down next to him. He asks him if he would like breakfast. Spartacus nods affirmatively. Tom asks his housekeeper to bring him some eggs and coffee.

Tom starts the conversation. “So, how did you sleep last night?“ “Very well thank you.” Spartacus answers. He can see that Tom is trying to be calm but rather agitated. Like a man holding back a torrent of emotion.

Tom finally begins to articulate his thoughts. “After breakfast I’d like to drive you back to Compton.” Spartacus audibly gasps. Tom continues without acknowledging it. “I really can’t handle this. In one evening, I’ve become everybody’s villain, a total pariah. I’ll never make a deal in Hollywood again. Everybody’s Unfriended me or blocked my number. My oldest friends, even my three ex-wives. Worse yet, three of my four kids, and, only because the fourth’s on drugs living in Kathmandu.

Spartacus is aghast, his eyes begin to roll up into his head. His mouth is visibly dry. He begins to shake slightly. He sees all his hopes of fame and wealth, suddenly slipping through his sweaty fingers.

He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Finally, in a desperate horse voice Spartacus answers. “Wait a minute Tom baby, let’s take it easy. You do know, the whole country is depending on us to pull off this charade. My own people are depending on me to put this slavery thing to an end. Even my own kids are looking up to me. Even my mother is proud of me. You heard the Marshall yesterday. This is all part of the President’s plan. He’s working as hard as he can to reverse this unjust ruling.” Spartacus stops for a second to take a breath. Tom interrupts him. “That’s easy for you to say. You’re not suddenly the most hated man on the planet.” “What about the IRS audit?” Asks Spartacus. “Fuck the audit, how much time can I get? What did poor Wesley Snipes get? 12 months? Can’t be worse then this. Who’s gonna want to rape an old Jew anyway? Tom answers defiantly.

Spartacus is now trying to find the right words to allay Tom’s anxiety. “I’ve been streaming live video. We can make it like a reality show. People will see how sympathetic you’ve been and how nice you’ve been treating me. They’ll learn to love you.”

Tom dismisses his suggestion with wave of his hand. “That won’t work. I guess you haven’t noticed, but I’m quite obnoxious, and most people don’t like me.” Tom sadly confesses “I’m a Hollywood producer. I’m expected to act like an asshole, We’re right up there with used car salesmen”. Spartacus winces. He is sweating and getting desperate trying to placate Tom. “Well then, we’ll make it into a real life sitcom. We’ll make it a comedic farce.” Responds Spartacus, smiling, confident he’s hit on a viable solution.

“You’ve got to be kidding? Do you know how difficult it is to create a sitcom? It’s in no way like your reality TV show that you’ve got going on YouTube. Sitcoms are highly scripted. Totally! You need a bevy of comedy writers, working for weeks just to put together a couple of good episodes. All four of my sitcoms, that I closely developed, totally bombed.” Tom waxes nostalgically. “I remember my best one.” Tom starts getting lost in his past. “It was about a talking pet pig. Already it’s funny! No? Well, this pet pig, was the mascot of a losing collegiate football team from a small Jewish men’s college. It had all the elements, all the needed elements! I mean the team’s coach was an ex-comedian from the Catskills’ “Borscht Belt”. How could it not be funny? Ugh! Forget about it. Costly mistake!”

Spartacus closes one eye, and raises his index finger. “Why don’t we just copy some old classic sitcoms. You Hollywood boys do that all the time!” Tom looks up. “Like which one “I love Lucy”?

Spartacus realizing he’s got Tom’s interest. “It has to be one with both black and white main characters.” Tom nods affirmatively. “A sitcom where both characters appear as equals” Adds Spartacus quickly. “Think Tom, think, it’s your industry!

“You know, I practically grew up with “The Jack Benny Show”. Do you know it? It’s from the 50s, the very beginning of television. The two main characters are Jack Benny, an aged vaudeville comedian and his butler Rochester. Rochester plays his straight man.”

Spartacus nodding his head. “I’ve never seen it. But I’m sure it’s funny. Why don’t we watch a couple episodes together and see if it’ll work” Tom Nodes approvingly, his panic has definitely abated. He starts enthusiastically looking on his iPad. The two men are now sitting together on a love seat while watching several episodes back to back.

They quickly focus on several funny routines that appear repetitively on the show.

Tom has now become convinced, if these videos go viral, and there’s no reason they shouldn’t, then his original benevolent image will be totally restored. He may have to appear a bit of a fool, just like the original Jack Benny enjoyed playing. Although at his expense, to look like a buffoon is a lot better than an evil slave holder.

Spartacus found the old sitcom hysterical. Especially because it highlighted how, as a Minority, Black people often had to downplay their intelligence so not to aggravate the while majority.

They decide on how they will refer to one another for the videos. They certainly don’t want to reinforce the black man’s position of servitude, like the original Jack Benny show. And, plus, it needs to be hysterical every time either one of them opens their mouth.

And so, Spartacus will call Tom, Herschel, his Hebrew name. And Tom will call him Dude, like his close friends.

And so they start immediately, there’s no time to wait. The crowds will be burning Tom in effigy on his front yard soon.
As homage to the original show, Spartacus will wear a crisply pressed white waiter’s jacket.

They also decide to use both their phones to record video simultaneously. They set them up on tripods at opposite ends of Tom’s large spacious living road. This way, with a little bit of editing, they’ll be producing high level production video clips to post on the various social medias.

And so they start with their new sitcom.

The first “Jack Benny” routine they use is when Spartacus feigns ignorance to get out of tasks that he feels are demeaning.
Tom meanwhile is trying hard to teach him to assume the traditional tasks of a butler.

Tom is instructing Spartacus to answer both the home phone and the front door. Spartacus repeatedly acts confused by the phone ring and the doorbell ringing. And so, answers the phone when the doorbell rings and answers the door when the phone rings. This forces Tom to both answer his own door and his own home-phone. This comedy goes on for a good half an hour, as Tom‘s friends arrive.

They quickly edited it, and post it. It goes viral immediately. Millions of Americans are extremely anxious to see how America’s first slave in 150 years is getting on. And more importantly, it’s Tom that also getting millions of “likes”.
It’s working beyond their greatest hopes.
Both men obviously giddy, they try videoing another funny classic routine.

Tom is showing Spartacus how to serve his friends drinks when company arrives. He shows him how to walk carefully with a small silver tray with four full cocktail glasses. He trips over the rug and pratfalls, spilling the drinks all over himself. 

 

They post it. The Internet goes crazy. It becomes the most viewed video on all the popular sites. Tom starts receiving invitations for marriage, from both men and women! He’s ecstatic. No one has ever liked him that much!

Next they are videotaping out by the pool. Tom is showing Spartacus how to clean leaves out of the pool with a long pole and net. Spartacus is sitting on a lounge chair drinking a obviously chilled beer.

Tom turns to Spartacus: “So you see Dude, it’s really very simple, just make sure you get the leaves at the bottom of the pool as well” Tom turns, trips over a water hose and falls into the pool with all his clothes on. Spartacus, as planned, jumps in to save Him with his clothes on! Both men are seen struggling in the pool. Tom, is obviously embarrassed and actively protesting Spartacus’s assumption that he needs help swimming.

The resulting video breaks all the records on the Internet. All of Tom‘s friends and relatives are texting him with approval. The President is even retweeting it.

All this time we see Spartacus discreetly handing several of Tom‘s friends a flash drive with his movie treatment.

Spartacus is also becoming troubled because many of the public’s comments are turning negative towards him.
Like “Hey Dude you comical life is a lot better than the rest of us who are struggling on a daily basis.”

That plus a lukewarm reception for his screenplay has him really concerned.

The next afternoon, Desiree on her high ladder, starts flirting with Spartacus over the fence. Spartacus is lounging next to the pool in Tom’s plush bathrobe. “Hey Spartacus, cutie, you interested in some booty action”? To which Spartacus replies smiling, “Oh, come on Desiree, you know I’m married”. “So what? You’re in Hollywood now. It never stopped anybody before. Anyhow, I’m not interested in breaking up your marriage. I was just looking for some of that hot Mandingo sex, I read so much about”.

As tempting as it sounds, Spartacus grins and turns his head away. Desiree continues, “No, I’m cool with that whole fidelity thing. I can even respect you for that. I guess you’re not from California?” They both laugh. Spartacus gets up and walks over to the fence, when he gets close he whispers in a low voice. “Desiree, really, this situation is far too dire to risk it all for some naughty booty. The entire Black community is depending on me to behave with dignity.” “Amen” answer Desiree. “You know, you can count on me to do everything I can”

The next day after Tom’s friend’s rejection of his movie treatment, Spartacus is feeling totally dejected. Besides his rejection, his Internet viewership slippage is beginning to have him really concerned.

That afternoon, he is sharing his woes with Desiree while sitting around her backyard by the pool. “These comic videos are not helping the “Cause.“ laments Spartacus. “It may be doing wonders for Tom’s image, however it’s creating big problems for me. I’m getting nasty, hateful, comments that my buffoonery is making a joke out of slavery.” “To make matters worse. All of Edelstein’s producer friends say my treatment is, without a doubt, timely with an interesting premise. But, and here’s the “big but” the subject matter is so very contentious, it needs an extremely engrossing plot, to carry an uplifting message.” “He told me to try something out of an existing novel. Try and create a “modern” epic. He said to look to any of the classics, for plot inspiration. Like “Tale of Two Cities.” Spartacus sighs. “And make sure you include an exciting plot twist towards the end”. Spartacus turns up both palms, as if to say, “anything else”? “He told me to come back as soon as I rewrote it. He’d be happy look at it again.”

Listening to all this, Lupita, Desiree’s Mexican maid suddenly chimes in. “Señor Spartacus, I am reading an old novel to improve my English. The teacher said it was very, very famous. It’s called “La Cabaña de Tio Thomas. How you say en inglés? Uncle Tom’s Cabin.”

Desiree and Spartacus look at each other, with eyes wide open, as if a lightbulb had just came on.

They both simultaneously realize, they have to engineer a plot to have Spartacus escape. “Great” says Spartacus. “All we have to do is have you drive me to Canada in the trunk of your car”. To which Desiree replies, “No it needs something much more creative then that! We want to video the whole thing and even simulcast selected FaceTime clips of the whole escape. We’ll post them on both Facebook and Twitter. We’ll post the clips delayed of course, after you’ve left the location. That way no one will know where you are at any exact moment. We’ll create a national phenomena. A “Where is Spartacus now??” Campaign. What good would a couple of hours in a dark trunk do for us?

“What about Mexico? It’s only a three hours away and we outlawed slavery in our constitution of 1821!” Lupita proudly proclaims. “All we need to do is make him look Mexican. Then we can easily arrange to have him picked up by ICE. All he has to do is stand around the Home Depot. Every morning they pick up desperate “Sin Documentos” looking for work. If he is “without papers”, and claims he’s Mexican, he’ll be deported the same day, right away, directo a Mexico.” “Asi es.” Laments Lupita. “Usted habla español, no? Señor Spartacus.”
“Latinos are my best customers.” Spartacus agrees. “Mi Nieto, my grandson can give you lessons on how to act Mexicano.”


Desiree loves the idea. It will allow them to combine the “Black Struggle” with the “Plight of the undocumented”. she’s getting excited. “It will also make the Latin community sympathetic to Spartacus’s plight and finally bring together both minorities to create a united majority.” Desiree’s voice rises to a high pitch “My God, this could be big! You could even run for president!”
Desiree recomposes herself, realizing she’s getting carried away. “I even have a professional make up artist friend who will have no trouble making Spartacus look like a Mexican.”

“Perfect!“ exclaims Spartacus. “ I love it!” And at worst,” Spartacus is rationalizing. “I’ve never heard anybody being shot for trying to sneak into Mexico“.

He pauses for a moment. “I think we better engineer this escape as soon as possible. These comic videos have got to end now! And I have to get this treatment rewritten before my story fades from the nation’s attention.

Mid-Point: Escape

Tom goes to play golf every Thursday. That becomes the focus of the escape plan. Desiree has her make up artist friend arrive early. Spartacus sneaks over to her house as soon as Tom leaves. Her friend immediately begins her magic, lightening his face and hands with theatrical base make up, and disguising him with a full beard, Pancho Villa mustache and a dark black wig. Surprise, Spartacus becomes Manuel.

With no time to spare, Desiree drives Spartacus/Manuel to the parking lot outside the nearest Home Depot. There’s a group of desperate men waiting around for a any day job. Spartacus gets out and moves to the back of the group. Desiree drives off. After only 10 minutes an ICE patrol car drives by. All of the other Mexicans scatter into the bushes and down the hill. Spartacus is left standing alone. One of the ICE officers calls him over. “ Hey Pancho Villa show me your papers!” “No papers no papers”. Answers Spartacus, with a fake Mexican accent. “OK! Señor, Get in the backseat.” Barks the ICE man. 

 

Spartacus hits a switch in his pants pocket and the video camera hidden in his shirt button begins recording and transmitting to Desiree.

They drive him to a secret holding facility in the desert outside of LA. The car drives into a large warehouse. There is a large wire cage, hundreds of Mexicans inside. They motion to Spartacus to go in. He enters and moves directly to the back. He’s trying to blend in. He sees out of the corner of his eye, Miguel, Tom’s aged gardener. Spartacus makes way through the crowd to Miguel. He whispers. “Miguel, Miguel, it’s me Spartacus, El Esclavo! Miguel answers. “Señor Spartacus, I do not understand?” “I’m trying to escape into Mexico!” Answers Spartacus quietly. “Please act normal, don’t give me away. “ “Of course not, señor. I will help you. Confiame, We all will help you.” “What are you doing here?” Ask Spartacus. “ I was picked up by ICE yesterday. It is OK. It is time for me to go back to my family in Mexico” Miguel motions with his arms to the other Mexicans in their proximity to gather together. He starts whispering to them. Shortly, he returns to Spartacus. “It’s OK Señor. We will all help you.”
 

Not too long after. The ICE agent enters the wire enclosure. And shouts. “OK, hagas una línea a la pared. Vamos A entra los buses.” He points to three buses waiting outside. About 20 Mexicans form a human shield around Spartacus. The ICE agent with the clipboard, goes down the line, asking everybody their names and place of origin. He gets to Spartacus. He’s looking a little suspicious. He asks. “De dónde estás?” Before Spartacus can answer, a young boy about nine runs up to him embracing his pants leg. “ Papa, papa!” Cry’s the boy. Next a young woman runs up embracing Spartacus “Ay mi Amor! Que está pasando?” She turns to the ICE agent, and says to him. “ We are from Oaxaca. My husband is berry upset that we going home!” The ICE agent writes down on his form. He then motions everybody to the bus.

Meanwhile Desiree is receiving all the video from Spartacus. She is furiously editing it for imminent
release. She received everything, including the dramatic sequence with the young Mexican boy and his mother claiming to be Spartacus’s family. This footage was priceless.

After three hours Spartacus’s bus arrives at the Calexico border crossing and is waived through the and arrives in Mexicali.

Spartacus is now in Mexico. He whispers into the microphone hidden in his shirt collar. “Desiree I’m in Mexico. I made it!! Thank you so much."

All the Mexicans and Spartacus file off the bus. The ICE official walks to the Mexican border guard and hands him the form from his clipboard. “Hey compadre, here’s this group’s manifest. Twenty adults, six minors. They say they’re all Mexican. You sort it out. They’ll probably be back in the US by tomorrow. I’m not complaining. It’s called job security.” he laughs and gets on the bus waiting for the trip back to Los Angeles.

The group now files passed a Mexican official. Miguel, Tom’s gardener, turns to Spartacus. “Please stay together with Elaina.” He points to the Mexican girl who claimed to be his wife. “Let her do the talking. She will help you get in.”

Desiree, sitting at home in Los Angeles is receiving all this. She’s aware it will make great documentary video.

She decides it’s now the appropriate time to release over the web the breaking news, that Spartacus has escaped his Slave master.

Spartacus approaches the Mexican Fedérale with his pearl handle 45 automatic strapped to his waist. Miguel goes through first. He turns around and winks at Spartacus as if to say “Look, no big deal”.

Elena goes next. She tells the official her husband has a sore throat and it’s painful speaking. After a few questions, he waves the little family through.

Spartacus sighs audibly. Desiree congratulations him through his hidden earpiece. “Dude, you made it.”

Suddenly, the Mexican official calls out, “Oye tú ven acá!” Spartacus gulps. He returns back to the official standing about 5 feet away. The official using his pen raises Spartacus’s shirtsleeve up to his elbow exposing his black skin. He pulls off his hat. He then pulls off his wig exposing his real hair. He grabs him by his shoulder and walks him back to the waiting ICE bus. “Oye Gringo. This guy is not Mexican. And only a criminal would try sneaking into Mexico!” He hands him back the manifest.

The ICE Official shakes his head in disgust. “Whata bitch!” He turns to the bus driver. “Hey Joe, do you have form 1701? This guys not Mexican.” Turning to Spartacus. “Do you have any idea the paperwork you just caused me?”

Within minutes, Spartacus is identified. They pat him down and find the recording equipment. They are a bit puzzled, and very pissed off.

Desiree decides to release the information on the web. Shortly, every TV channel breaks into their ongoing programming. “Breaking news! The Slave Spartacus has attempted to escape, and was apprehended at the Mexican border.”

Within minutes, the station’s legal expert comes on screen. “As per the 1857 US Supreme Court Dred Scott decision, Spartacus will have to be returned to his rightful owner, Tom Edelstein of Los Angeles.”

Meanwhile, Tom is taken by complete surprise. He is visibly aghast! He chokes on his drink! He wasn’t even aware that Spartacus was gone. He thought he was at Desiree‘s house. He was apprehensive of calling him there because maybe he was getting a little action.

At this point he is also beginning to realize that Spartacus‘s story could be worth a billion dollars. He’s starts jotting down numbers that include action figures and movie rights, subsequent sequels and spinoffs. Not to mention the adventure ride at a Florida theme park. “Shit! I had a virtual goldmine sitting right in my guesthouse. I gotta make a deal!” He admonishes himself.

“I’ve always had an upfront relationship with Spartacus, After all, we’re both in this thing together.” He rationalizes out loud.

Spartacus is driven back to Tom in chains, accompanied by a huge police caravan.

Upon his arrival, he finds thousands of people demonstrating in front of the house. Both pro slavery and angry abolitionists. Tom has strung a large “Welcome Home Spartacus” banner over the front door. He even put four of those wiggly inflatable tube men on the front lawn. It made his house look like a used car lot.

Spartacus steps out of the van in leg irons. Half the crowd cheers, the other half boos. He hobbles up the front path to Tom, who is standing there holding two champagne flutes.
“Welcome home Dude!” He embraces him. Hands Spartacus both glasses. He bends down and removes his shackles. Tom holds them up to the crowd who cheers loudly. They toast, and take a sip of champagne. They both go inside.

Once inside, Tom turns to Spartacus and asks. “Hey dude, why did you run away? Everything was going so well. I was on my way to becoming a YouTube “Influencer”. A drug company already offered me a deal to promote their Testosterone supplement and their personal lubricants. A couple more weeks, and I could’ve run for public office. Was it something I said or did?”

“Maybe it was good for your reputation, but our Jack Benny buffoonery was alienating me from my people.” Spartacus explains. “A couple of more comedic episodes and my people were ready to lynch me.”

“Wow!” Responds Tom. “I saw those negative comments also. I thought they’re from those racist “Stop the Stall” crowd.” Spartacus in genuine despair “No! Those were from my people. They were angry I was making a travesty of slavery.” Spartacus now upset with Tom because of his selfish perspective. “I do appreciate how you’ve been treating me. This issue is bigger than you and me.” “Amen!” Tom responds affirmatively. “How would you feel if I made fun of the Holocaust?” Bellows Spartacus. Tom, who had relatives that died in Auschwitz, is visibly shaken. “Oh my god, You’re right! We were trying to show the absurdity through farce! The cruel reality of this situation is truly beyond imagination. I’m so sorry. How can I ever make it up to you?” Says Tom, genuinely contrite. “I’ll have to figure it out.”Answers Spartacus literally confused.

The two men sit in the living room trying to figure out their next move.


PLOT POINT 2

That night, Tom gets a call from one of the US Marshals, that he and Spartacus have come to know. “Mr. Edelstein, I have some really bad news. The right wing leader of the Senate has been complaining that the President is making a mockery of this important Supreme Court ruling. He’s forcing the Justice Department to take Spartacus and send him to a US Government Cotton Plantation in Louisiana. My hands are tied. I could go to jail for just telling you this. Tomorrow morning, you’ll need to turn over Spartacus to the FBI for transportation. Failure for you to do so, would put you at risk for aiding and abetting a runaway slave. I’ll have to take you into custody. Do you understand what I’m saying? You have to turn Spartacus over to me tomorrow morning. I’m not permitted to give you any advice that would break the law. But, I hope you can use the Internet and stir up some sort of public outcry. As for tomorrow. It’s either him, or you.”

Tom sadly tells Spartacus. They both decide to go see Desiree. Three heads is better than two. Plus Desiree has a great conniving mind.

They need to construct a plan to buy some time, so that Desiree can get Spartacus over the Mexican border. Ideally some sort of diversion. They have only one night to pull it off. The Marshall comes at nine tomorrow morning.

ACT III

At 9 o’clock the next morning, there are already thousands of people in the street outside Tom‘s house. They are divided into two groups by a heavily armed unit of the police swat team. There are the “Stop the Stall!”protesters on one side and the “Free Spartacus!” on the other. Six burly US marshals arrive. And walk up the front path between the two warring factions.
The door opens. Spartacus is standing there with a hoodie on pulled low over his face, with aviator sunglasses on, head down. Tom is standing behind him wearing also wearing aviator sunglasses, a base ball cap with his head up.

Defiantly, the US Marshall walks up to the door, and clearly Announces“ Mr. Edelson you are hereby required to relinquish the US property known as “The Slave Spartacus” to the FBI. Do you understand?“

“Yes” answers Tom. Spartacus looking dejected, head down, extends his wrists for the US Marshal to handcuff him. Once cuffed, the Marshall says: “OK let’s go Spartacus”’ He is led to a SUV with dark windows. A caravan of a dozen cars, led by a dozen motorcycles, followed by a dozen motorcycles speeds off. Almost immediately the crowd dissipates and the media crews start packing up their vans. The international satellite dishes are folded up and leaving. Within half an hour the place is completely deserted with nothing left but a very littered front yard and dirty streets.

About thirty minutes later Desiree pulls up to Tom‘s house in her big, powder blue, Mercedes convertible. Tom leaves by his side door gets into the car in the passenger seat. They drive off through the completely empty street.

3 1/2 hours later, Desiree driving her big Mercedes, crosses the US border at Tijuana. She hands the Border Guard two passports, hers and Tom’s. He does a tertiary check. Opens them up, looks over at both of them. Nods, hands them back to Desiree. He says, “Have a safe trip ma’am.” And then waves them through.

Meanwhile Spartacus is sitting in a wire holding cage at the airport. He notices on the wall clock that four hours have passed. A big grin from ear to ear appears on his face.

As he’s being let out to the plane, a Marshall bends down to takeoff his leg irons. He notices some thing above Spartacus’ sock. He lifts his pants leg. and finds it’s white. He stands up. Pulls off Spartacus’ hood. Pulls off a wig. And surprise! It’s really Tom in black face.

The next scene is Desiree and Tom driving down a empty desert highway with the top down. Desiree pulls out a make up bag from the backseat and hands it to Tom. He takes out a towelette, starts to wipe his face. And surprise! It’s Spartacus with white face paint.

He turns to Desiree and kisses her on the cheek. Desiree laughing asks, “So Spartacus, I can’t believe you are telling me you’ve never been there before?” They drive off past a battered road sign. On It’s rusted surface, still clearly visible is; Cabo San Lucas, 200 km.

Meanwhile, at the FBI airport hangar, the US Marshal that befriended Spartacus is sitting there with Tom, shaking his head, but, on the edges of his lips we see a little smile. Tom turns to him and whispers; “It’s a far, far better thing I’ve done then I’ve every done before.”

CLIMAX

Opening scene: golf course Maryland. The Three conservative Supreme Court justices are playing golf with three senior conservative congressman. They all are drinking beer, heavily. A large cardboard box on their golf cart is filled with empty cans. Half a dozen secret servicemen are stationed 200 yards away at the perimeter.
That evening they all enter a nearby private villa. Shortly, two of them appear at the side door and let in six sexy young ladies. One motions to the Secret Service with a thumbs up, and then OK sign. “Affirmative.” A voice is heard, crackling over the Secret Service radio. “SCOTUS G. has signaled approval of “guests” and receipt of Merchandise.” Through the windows is clearly seen the six men snorting cocaine and engaging in various sex acts which includes whips and restraints.

Next scene: A National TV news show. “This Is a developing story. Three of the conservative Supreme Court justices have just announced their resignation this afternoon. Just a few months after the bombshell allegations of cocaine fueled sex orgies taking place among Congressman was revealed, new video has recently emerged involving several senior members as well as the three resigned Supreme Court justices. The justices will have no further comment. The three congressmen involved all claimed “fake news.”

The next scene: The president is swearing in three new justices.

FINAL SCENE

Spartacus is sitting in Tom‘s living room on the couch, by the front window. On the TV, they are announcing the reestablishment of the 14th amendment by the newly appointed Supreme Court. He is talking on the phone to the action figure manufacturer in China. He is holding a prototype in his hand. “Can we beef up the figure’s arms a bit? Yes, yes, I know you used my actual body scan. Just beef them up some more. And this button, which makes the chains fly off, needs a stronger spring. Let me see a new prototype in a week.”

He sees through the window his wife drives up, and gets out of the car holding all these purchases with bags from Beverly Hills shops.Spartacus shouts. “Hershela, could you please help my wife bringing her purchases in from the car?” “It would be my pleasure Dude”. Answers Tom dressed in a stylish white dinner jacket, as he remembers to stop and smile into the Webcam in the foyer.

 

Copyright 2022 Stephen Bornstein